June 1, 2012 — 11:25 PM (Friday)
I don’t even know where exactly to begin with this.
this has been such an eventful week, i got dumped for no reason he just assumed that i was some girl that would do something that bad to him, he always thought the lowest of me no matter what and i never even did anything to deserve that. so of course i was stupid and drank and then greg just completely took advantage of me when i was in such a week state of mind, so helpless… and drunk. he did so much with me and then continuously tried to have sex with me he was like trying to force it in me & i didn’t know what to do, i just kept saying stop but i was so vulnerable. but of course the emotional drunk that i am i burst into tears and said “i miss him” i stumbled outside and i called beau, i just called him and i told him i was sorry and that i care what happened because deep down it does hurt really bad to not be able to call him mine anymore & to have to see him with other people.. its gonna hurt. lately since we broke up my life hasn’t been the same, with things that happened with greg i was crying everyday because i thought i was gonna get pregnant but i started my period yesterday.. but i couldn’t even look at my parents in the eyes, i don’t see myself in the same way, i just stopped caring about everything. he took all of my clothes off and i was fully exposed and i let it happen.. I’m not that type of girl. I’ve always had a thing for greg since the first second that i saw him, and its crazy how much we have been through together but things are just different now when we talk, it’s not the same.. we have these awkward conversations its like we don’t even know how to talk to each other anymore. i wish it wasn’t like that. I’m just confused about everything. and I’m getting attached to greg but he cheats on his girlfriends all the time and i don’t know if i can handle that. i don’t wanna be cheated on, I’m already getting jealous and he’s not even mine. he just has so many opportunities to do stuff with so many people, I’m just scared… i don’t know for a fact that nothing will happen, i don’t know for a fact that he won’t hurt me. i like him a lot, I’ve always had that crush on him. but really the one person I’m never gonna forget is killian hughes cochran… he will forever be in my heart. a girl never forgets her first love, and i sure won’t forget mine. we were so alike, he didn’t treat me bad that anyone else, he was always so nice & caring. it was perfect when i had him, we were the best couple, we were best friends no doubt. i don’t know why i went in screwed it up, i just wanted to fit in. but things with beau are depressing, he’s always being nice and always acting like he cares and it makes me sad because it makes me wish i could still say that he was my boyfriend. but things with greg i like him a lot but it just seems like he doesn’t want anyone to know about me and him… thats how it comes off, it seems like after school he is always trying to get out of the school so fast almost has if he is trying to get away from me so he doesn’t have to be seen by me or anything.. its sad to tell you the truth. i don’t know, I’m just so confused about things lately. my life has been on the craziest roller coaster this past month. school is finally over for the summer except the exam i have to talk thursday but its like i don’t even know what to do with myself now… like what next just sit at home all summer and do nothing? i want this summer to actually be good. i want to make it worth it. time goes by way too fast though, its scary when you think about it. next year I’m gonna be a sophomore. i can’t even believe it. i don’t wanna grow it, its just really scary to think about. but it has to happen sometimes, i just hate constantly having to be worrying about something, i just want to be carefree but that seems impossible for me. but i think i am done typing for tonight, i am super tired and i just finished watching The Vow, which was incredibly depressing which put me in this confused mood about guys ): but i might type another message tonight, depends on how i feel… i already feel better for publishing this thought (: bye!
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